Sofa King Depressed

 

1

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It was the first snowfall of December. And as Wayne lounged on the couch, he received a text message from an old friend: "How are you?" he wanted to know.

 

He held the phone to his mouth, dictating a response saying, "so fucking depressed" but when Wayne reviewed the screen, it was clear that Siri had misunderstood, having typed instead: "Sofa king depressed."

 

And this too, seemed fitting, so Wayne went ahead and sent it.

 

2

​

"Are you drunk already," Wayne's  girlfriend, Hannah, wanted to know, as if she were perfect.

​

They'd been living together for about five years, at that point. 

 

"I was just reading about the solar system," Wayne said. "How all of this was set into motion over 4 billion years ago."

 

"Look, my parents, brother and nephew will be here in an hour."

 

"Something I've been thinking," Wayne said, "is that in order to believe in either the Big Bang or creationism, one must accept something as timeless, as having always existed, whether that be the material precursors that initiated the Big Bang or a timeless, eternal, creator god."

 

"Hey, can you just get up?" Hannah said, "and get into the shower? That's what I really need you to do, ok?"

 

And to think that good men and women had pushed all the way to the ends of the earth, if only to prove a point.

 

3

 

When Hannah's family arrived, Wayne took to the liquor cabinet, whipping up festive drinks but when asked if anyone wanted another, Hannah's father, mother and brother all declined a refill, saying "I can already feel it" or "that one was strong, more than enough for me,"and Wayne's tiny mind, none of that made any sense at all.

 

4

 

Once they'd all gathered around the Christmas tree, Hannah's nephew, Nathan , insisted that Hannah be the first to open the gift he'd gotten her.

 

After she unwrapped the gift, Hannah smiled and held up a a framed certificate of some kind.

 

Nathan began excitedly saying how he'd paid to name a star after his favorite aunt.

 

But Wayne couldn't keep his mouth shut: "You know that's a scam, right?" Wayne said to Nathan.

 

He was like seven years old.

 

"That certificate is nothing more than a novelty," Wayne told Hannah

 

Nathan began to cry softly.

 

Everyone's faces seemed tight. Jaw clenched, brows furrowed.

​

"Only the International Astronomical Union has the authority to name celestial bodies, including stars, most of which are numbered,” Wayne said, addressing the group, hoping that, if nothing else, this could serve as a learning experience.

 

5

 

Finally, after Hannah's family had left, Wayne surveyed the damage: a living room littered with balled-up wads of torn wrapping paper, dirty dishes piled up in the sink.

​

It was relief to be rid of them all, Wayne thought. And so, he’d taken to laying longways on the couch, his hands behind my head.

​

"You know you're an asshole, right?" Hannah said as she walked towards the kitchen.

 

"Babe," Wayne called. "Would you grab me another Red Bull?"

 

Hannah stopped and looked at him.

 

"Look at yourself, are you fucking kidding me?" she hissed. "Laying there on the couch, drinking Red Bull in the dark."

​

"Yeah, so?" Wayne reorted. "It's not a big deal. If you don't want to do me this one favor, that's ok."

 

"Look at all those cans," Hannah cried. "How much 'energy' does your sedentary lifestyle require?"

​

"You'd be surprised," Wayne said. "Red Bull gives you wings."

 

As Hannah let out a sigh, Wayne closed his eyes making everything go dark.